1. FML
Fuck My Life. Why are people writing this in completely inappropriate situations? Example: "I ate an apple and it had a worm in it. FML"
That's unfortunate, but probably not something that you need to hate your life for. Honestly, for the love of sweet baby jeeb, suck it up a bit could you please? Resilience people, resilience!

2. LOL
Laugh out loud. In my world where people are actual human beings, "Lolling" about on the floor doesn't mean you are laughing. It means you are drooping and relaxing. Example: "It was so funny, we were lolling about it for ages". "The act of laughing out loud. Used online by pretty much everyone and by retards". (I didn't write that bit. Urban dictionary did. Even Urban dictionary agrees with me...) And people who SAY this word rather than JUST ACTUALLY LAUGHING need to stop immediately. Let's put an end to this epidemic.

3. Epic
Meaning...what exactly? I'm not sure ANYONE who has used this word in the last year knows how to use this word. These days it seems to mean anything that was fun or good. Or, really, just ANYTHING.
"We went to the pub and saw Barry and then had some drinks. It was EPIC"
No, it wasn't. It was fun. You may use the word "fun" in this sentence. Thank you.

4. Win
I'm fairly sure I started the phrase "win at life" but this word has got out of control. Example: "I found some cheese! Win!"
They were good times a year ago, huh? Let's give it a rest now.

5. Rat Girl.
I'm sure there's nothing wrong with this person, I just needed a fifth thing. She's also slightly annoying and pops up everywhere like the attention seeker she no doubt is.

But that's just my opinion...

Hello,
today I went to the dentist and this is what happened.

The first thing I should explain is the reason I needed to go to the dentist.  You should go to the dentist every six months apparently, but I don't because I am a bum.  But the last time I went to the dentist I went to see this man who yelled at me for grinding my teeth...IN MY SLEEP! Hello, I'm not even conscious of the fact I am doing it because I am UNCONSCIOUS poo bar!  Anyway, I may be exaggerating about him yelling at me, but he did talk rather gruffly and mumbled a lot about how much my enamel had gone which I thought was very annoying and was completely on his side about the whole thing.  Anyway, he didn't get that I was rooting for him to win the fight against the enamel theives and then all of a sudden he is blaming ME for losing the enamel and then he hands me some tooth mousse that is STRAWBERRY flavoured and revolting and tells me to use it everyday.  Which I haven't because I hate strawberry and it is a stupid flavour to make something already disgusting.

Anyway, this dentist visit I went back to the hot dentist because I figured enough time had passed between the last time I visited and now so the embarrasment should have worn off.  The last time I visited I was unconscious for a good portion of my stay and had blood running down my face.  Not a sexy look.
Anyway, this time I went in because on Saturday night I got too drunk and had my necklace hit me in the face.  I also found out after talking to one of my friends that I stacked it in the toilet. So, I was a loser. And the fact that I don't remember that doesn't make it less embarrasing.  In face it makes it more.  So I chipped my front tooth as punishment for being a drunkard.  And then I went to see hot dentist.  Not a sexy look.

Hot dentist made me wait an hour to see him in which time I read more of Eclipse and realised some more what a terrible writer Stephanie Meyer is and how much she needs to fire her editors.  Seriously, pick up the mistakes. Most of it doesn't make sense in the English language...but I suppose most people who read her books are American...
Anyway, hot dentist has hired a hot receptionist which made me sad because I loved lorraine who worked there who was so friendly and nice...but hot receptionist was lovely too, so, hey...

Then I went into hot dentists room and sat on the chair and stared at the TV in the ceiling and thought about how much "the view" is a terrible show and how much those fat women should be covered in goo every week. Except Whoopi. She kind of looks uncomfortable being there. But thankfully the sound was off so I couldn't hear their obnoxious accents yelling things they thought were topical at the audience...horrible show.

All I could hear was hot dentist calmly explaining what he was doing as he quickly fixed my tooth and then telling me I needed to come back in for a check up. And then I talked to hot receptionist and booked that appointment and paid an enormous fee.  Good times.  But at least I have a tooth again and don't look like a pirate wench or some sort of housewife with an abusive partner, or say, one of those bogan women you see in places like the hydey that have food stains on their threadbare t-shirts and not only have cracked teeth, but some don't have any teeth at all.  Which, you know, suits that look if "poor, lonely heroin abuser" was the look they were going for.  Not that I can talk about looks considering my wardrobe and daggyness, but at least I have a full set of teeth again...

Only one day into being 23 and I already fucked it up big time...but that's okay because in my mind I am 86 years old and live in a cottage, so you know, I can't have fucked anything up too bad to have scored that cottage of joy, right? Yeah.

In the last half hour of being 22 I have eaten awesome chinese food and obliterated two assignments for THE282. I am now doing my final write ups for my last two units before exams next month.  I am worrying about the weather on Saturday and thinking that it will rain probably and that we will have to cancel.  I am thinking about how much I am looking forward to seeing GLF tomorrow night and being 23.  I am also kind of bored with writing in the present future tense. 

In other news, I don't mind yogurt as much as I thought I did, just as long as it isn't strawberry.  Or if it is strawberry it needs to be that fake pink kind, the kind where you know strawberries weren't involved in the creation process.  Not that strawberries ever are involved really, I doubt they sit next to chefs and whisper in their ear "use me, I taste like freaky juice and pulp!".  Not unless the chef is a mental.

I also think the best crap teen movies were made in the 90's/eary 2000's.  They're all about topping each other now with weirder and weirder sex jokes.  They've lost the plot.  But in the 90's they knew that a good pun and slapstick was all you needed. 

I'm very into SNL people doing things away from SNL.  For example, the Lonely Island boys and Tina Fey.  Everything they do is golden.  I love 30 Rock.  Why is it so good?  And How I met your mother.  That's a great show.  And the Sarah Connor Chronicles are actually really engrossing.  I have no idea why.  Probably because most of the time I have no idea what is happening on the show until the end so the whole show is a total challenge to my brain box. 

And Totally Awesome is still totally awesome.  I confirmed that fact with Clint-on.  Just because stupid other people don't get my sense of humour, at least I know Chris Kattan and Dominique Swain understand me.

Anyway, in my last few minutes of being 22, I'd just like to say thank you to the people who have made being 22 quite lovely.  I had a lot of fun this past year, some of that fun was a little bit weird and confusing, but almost all of it was learnt from, I think I've improved from how I was at 21 and feel a lot more calm and sorted than how I was toward the end of the year, I still have all my annoying quirks and feel like me again and I think 23 is going to be a blasty! In the words of the muddle headed wombat: I love you very dearly, you dear old friend.

I've been thinking about friendship recently.  As in last night.  With Jess.  In the car.  As we drove around and around and around looking for a parking spot. Since then I've thought some more.

And what I thought was this:  you should only be friends with people that make you feel good. 

Now this doesn't necessarily have to be ALL the time.  But you should definitely have a good time hanging out with your friend.  And come away feeling connected and special. 

Yesterday, a good friend of mine found his beloved pet dog dead at the bottom of his family's pool.  That was a pretty terrible conversation to have to have and something that I will never forget.  And at the end of that conversation I cried for quite awhile. 

After that I called someone.  But they immediately said something innocuous that got me offside and I never told them why I rang.  In their minds it was probably just another completely bonkers phone call from me.  
Then I got a call from Jess.  Immediately felt better.  Instant relief.  That's our connection.  She just knew to call.

And I got to thinking: genuine friendship is based on really knowing someone.  A lot of talking and D & M's go into knowing someone.  And it has to be equal in the amount of sharing you do.  So it can take awhile.  But it's pretty awesome once you're there.

I've also realised that if you are constantly censoring yourself around someone or trying to be something you're not, you'll never feel comfortable in that friendship and they won't ever know the real you so it won't be genuine.  And if you feel uncomfortable about sharing things with someone, they probably aren't as good a friend as you thought.  And if you find yourself staring at their name as your phone rings and thinking about the tediousness of answering their call, it's probably best to stop pretending.

But I am incredibly grateful for the people I call my friends. They are pretty special people.

Dear German Lecturer,
I like you.  I have no idea what you look like because you are a disembodied voice on lectopia, but I imagine you to be a kindly, older, happy man.  I like the fact you stutter so much I can take notes easily because the last thing you said is still going by the time I've written the first thing you said down.  I like the fact you stutter with a German accent.  I also like the fact you end some sentences with "..and something like that" and that you end your lectures with "I think that's enough for to-day".  It's just beautiful!
Your faithful student,
Amy.

Dear Amanda Palmer,
I love you so gosh darn much I'm going to puke.  When you looked at me last night I felt seen.  How did you do that?  Your charisma astounds me.  You are a beautiful person and I'm glad you let Jess make out with you again - it made her night.  Thank you for signing my shit and giving me a really nice hug.
Big fat Love,
Amy.

Dear Ross Noble,
Thank you for exising in the world.  I love you and still want to have breakfast with you someday.  I'm really glad your family wasn't hurt in the bushfires but I'm sorry you lost your house.  When you announce you are coming to Perth I will give you blankets and spaghetti to make up for it.  You'll appreciate that...
In hilarity,
Amy.

Dear student guild,
Thanks for giving me my text books.  That was well nice of you (especially since I'm not pat of the guild...).  I guess as I grow up I learn new and funkier ways to cheat the system.
Nice work,
Amy.

Dear reader,
Thanks for reading this.  It is well nice of you.  Have an awesome day/night!
Love and hugs and kisses,
Amy.

Dear Revolting, Bogan Men,
I hate you.  That pretty much means I'm not going to go to bed with you.  Or into that alleyway. 
No sexual act of any kind is going to take place between you and me. 
In fact, I even refuse to talk to you.
I hate you that much.
So yelling at me in the street is not going to do you any favours on the old 'hating you' front.
It's going to make me hate you some more and then fear for my own safety. 
Why do you hunt in packs?  And why don't you have that thing in your brain that says "Hey, there's a girl on the street.  Hows about I don't yell out to her and ask blatantly for sex? Yes.  That's a good idea, I'm sure she'll respect me more for that and won't hate me"?
I just want you to know that the next time one of you RBM "talk to" me, I will mace you in the face.  With malice and intent.
I hate you.



Dear gaming world,
You need a new category of gamers.  I think it should be called "Girls who like to play fun, cute games that allow them to play even though they have no coordination or skill whatsoever". 
I think reviews should be written in light of this. 
"This game is very fun and cute and hilarious.  If you like making things jump about and solve puzzles, then you'll love this game.  It requires little dexterity; basically if you're able to mash your hand against the buttons furiously, you'll go far!  5 stars"



Dear brain,
GO TO SLEEP! STOP THINKING! SLEEP!
From you know who.


Dear back,
Don't you dare fuck up again...I swear, if you do I'm going to...get a really big, ugly tattoo of, like, a huge...polar bear...or something...ON YOU, just to spite you.  And then you'll be ugly back. So there!


Dear person,
I hope things are okay with you.  I feel a bit weird. 
(Plus my fingers are tingling quite erratically due to having fought all night with stupid professor lobe giving me C's all the time!  Why won't he just admit I am not dum?  Geez...Professor Kawashima acknowledges my smarts and has well given me a  20 year old brain.  THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN GET!!!  Come on Lobey, step up!)
Sorry, back to you.  Be good.  And have a lovely day.

Whenever I am driving on a road and there is a bag on the road, I always avoid hitting it, even if that means nearly causing a collision.
Know why?
Coz this one time my dad told me a story about how he was driving along and all of a sudden these kittens started to appear on the road.  So dad's all suspicious about where these cats are coming from and GUESS WHAT? Some complete waste of human life had DUMPED these cats in a hessian bag on the side of the road.  Some of the kittens had got out and were now IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD and some were still in the bag.  So dad gets the bag and as many kittens as he can and takes em to the RSPCA and is all - these cats were on the side of the road - and they were all manky apparently.  Poor kittens.
So don't drive over things when you don't know what they are - you shouldn't anyway for the selfish reason of: that bag can have a sharp thing in it (like this one time I drove over a piece of tire on the freeway and it ripped a big chunk out of my mud flap). 
Also, why are there shoes and pieces of clothing on the side of the road? Who throws their shoe out of a moving vehicle? What is happening in these people's lives that they lose their shoes when travelling? Or do they just have no floor on their car like in Where the Heart Is and Wristcutters?

MESSAGE: Stay away from unknown mystery objects when driving vehicles.

This girl posed a question on girladvice asking "is it possible to love more than one person".

Well.  Yes.  It's very easy to love a lot of people.  But as my RE teacher taught me for eight years, "there are a lot of different types of love".  There's the care bear love that you have for your good friends, there's the love you have for your family that is there even though you hate their guts sometimes and would like to slap them with a frying pan, there's the love you have for someone you think is pretty groovy - most people would call that a crush, because when it is unrequited your soul gets flattened and destroyed.  (Luckily souls are very durable and can pop back into shape after awhile...sometimes longer).  And then there's the love you have for a special someone.  That's the love where you say you are IN love (because for some reason this person has some magical key that lets you enter a whole new area of the world of love, where just the two of you can bounce around and be jolly...YA KNOW!).

I think this girl was talking about THAT IN LOVE kind of love.  And therefore my answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You cannot love two people at the same time. It is impossible.  THAT love is intense.  THAT love makes it impossible to even LOOK at someone else  and EVEN MORE impossible to THINK of making a move on someone else.  This is why when people cheat and do that stupid "but I love them both - it's so hard - I just don't know what to do" BULLSHIT, I would like to throw a rock at them.  For a start, you aren't in love with either of them, you just think they are both cool people for whatever reason (probably sexual) and secondly WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING FUCKHEAD?!

I really hate cheaters.

Some people think that they are in love but they have just jumped the gun.  They want to enter that little secret world so badly they proclaim their love loud and clear.  Unfortunately, this is infatuation and lust.  These things fizzle.

But that IN LOVE feeling is overwhelming to the point that it can make you insane.  The tiniest thing makes you crazy.  And once an element of mistrust enters, it's VERY DIFFICULT to get it back.  And then I've found it is very difficult to move on. 

But luckily, after awhile, after some time away from that person, your imaginary love heart POPS back into place and GUESS WHAT!? You get to love someone else and fall IN LOVE with them!  It's really great.  BUT the only catch is, you've got to let your heart pop back into place. If you haven't got all the pieces back from the other person, or if you're still holding some of it out in your hand, waiting for the other person to take it, then it isn't going to pop back and OH NO! you don't get no in love....Naaa aaaaah!
That's the hardest part - putting your imaginary love heart back together again. It can sometimes be simple, but usually it is harder than a rubric's cube...unless you're good at that cube thing...then it's like...something more difficult...

But the imaginary love heart only responds to one person at a time.  So no, you cannot be in love with two people.  And if you're trying to be, you might want to take a look at who you are hurting. 

But care bear love is there for the taking - go nuts!

I had a dream last night that Natalie Basingthwait zdgj;gfjdf however you spell that woman who can't move her top lip's name, was hosting a christmas party and for some reason it was being held in this really high industrial looking treehouse thing.  And for some reason I had to help her set up.  So my dream basically involved not wanting some people to show up (it turned out to be some old family who I for some reason, hated in the dream - I have no idea who they were supposed to be), jumping precariously around this treehouse trying not to fall down the huge gaps in the pipes and rusty floor, and putting tinsel everywhere.  Then, all of a sudden, Natalie Basingthwaite is in the middle of a three ring circus (still in the tree house) and is pulling herself up into this backbend on a little stool. 
What the fuck?

Dreams

I hate it when people tell me "I had a weird dream last night...". I dont care, it didn't really happen and it is going to be boring. Just because you dreamt it doesn't make it interesting to anyone. I knew someone who told me a dream and it went on for about twenty minutes. That is nineteen minutes and sixty seconds longer than I have to care about something that didn't really happen. Another time she was telling me about a dream her auntie had, so not only was I listening to something that didn't really happen, I was listening to something that didn't really happen to someone I didn't even know. I glass over and my mind wanders after the words "I had a weird dream last night..." so it is just a waste of everyones time. The statement she made, "If you cared about me you would be interested in my dreams", I will put down to the fact that she was an idiot and possibly slightly crazy because she owned more than two cats.
from http://www.27bslash6.com/1000characters.html  (the funnest website ever!)

NONE means not one.  Therefore "none are working" is wrong. "none is working" is right.  I know it sounds wrong, but "not one is working" is grammatically correct.

I hate ulcers.  I'm turning into a mute because of this ulcer on the side of my tongue that keeps rubbing against my teeth.  How do you stop your tongue from rubbing against your teeth? I have put SM-33 on it, but I am scared of that stuff now as it is apparently bad to use it for more than 3 days in a row.  I don't know why.  Side effects probably.  And I used it all last week.  So I'm probably going to either die, or my eyes will fall out, who knows...

In other news this brand of chicken strips that my ma gives to the dogs as a treat has given my ma's girl dog a kidney disease.  I think she is going to sue them.  Which should be fun.  But seriously, if you advertise that a dog treat is "all natural" and then you're putting chemicals into it that can cause kidney failure, you're a fucking asshole and deserve to be sued.  Apparently Sassy is the second dog to be diagnosed with this after having eaten these things.  Fuck them.

Also, Mr Bojangles has begun acting very strangely.  I had him checked out and his heart murmur hasn't done anything.  I think he's just going a bit loopy.  He sits at the door miaowing.  But a miaow I've never heard before.  He usually just walks around when he gets sooky and goes "meep meep" but now he's, like, yowly.  And then when you open the door he doesn't understand to come in.  And he's all jumpy.  I think someone has done something to him.  He wouldn't go on a walk with ma and the dogs today either.  I think someone has terrified my poor baby.  He's all shook up.  Hopefully he gets better.  Otherwise I'm not really sure what to do.

In other pet related news I need to find one of those sticky roll things that gets cat and dog hair off clothes.  My clothes are covered in cat hair after Bo decided to fall asleep IN my washing basket.  It's my own fault for not putting everything away, but it was enough of a pain getting the clothes off the line and folding them with this stupid granny back that I have going on.

So, that's me.  A mute granny with a sick dog and a mental cat.  GO ME!!!

It’s amazing how much people need their backs.  I bet you don’t even think about it.  I have been forced into thinking about it quite a lot.  Now if something falls on the floor, it is an ordeal rather than a nuisance.  Yes, I have turned into an old lady.  I am thinking about wearing old lady clothes and shouting at people in the supermarket (because that is really what growing old is about) but I fear I do not yet have the facial expressions to pull it off.  There’s something about wrinkles…

So anyway - Verdict: we need backs.

EXAMPLE: Do you know how much you need your back when you get dressed? Quite a lot is the answer.  There’s quite a lot of bending over and reaching involved in the whole “putting on clothes” rigmarole. 

Yesterday I had to ring up KITA and explain to him that I could not come to Fremantle due to my having become incredibly old all of a sudden.  KITA informed me that he was 3 years older than me and I should really not have this problem if he did not have this problem.  I couldn’t explain that.  I just said “I KNOW!” rather loudly into his earpiece.  There were a couple of reasons I couldn’t go into Fremantle:

1. I can’t sit.  This makes driving difficult as most of that is done whilst sitting.  Unless I somehow moved my couch onto my car and rigged pulleys and levers up to it a la Mr Bean (which sounds like a lot of work and lifting the couch would probably not help my condition of grannyitis) I think getting anywhere would have been painful.

I also assumed that when I got to Fremantle we would go somewhere that required sitting.  I don’t think café owners would appreciate me just lying on their floor blocking the fire exits.  Also, talking to KITA would be problematic.  I’m sure KITA would do a good job of pretending that everything was normal as he leaned over the table towards the floor to hear my latest ridiculousness.  Drinking coffee would be a problem, and I’m fairly sure I’d be run over by a pram at some point. 

2. I can’t put on pants. 

 

Suffice to say I spent yesterday on my bed in a dressing gown.

 

I did however manage to put on clothes today very slowly.  This basically involved wincing a lot and saying “CRIVENS!!!” quite loudly to no one.  It also involved putting on the closest things to hand – this included anything lying on my bed and anything not on the floor.  Basically I looked like a crazy person.  An uncoordinated, crazy person.

Then I managed to get in the car using a technique I’d like to call “bend and swear!”.  It’s pretty self-explanatory.  It’s all about bum positioning I have found.  That’s something to remember for when you’re old like me. 

I also managed to drive very slowly to the doctors.  I’ve now figured out why old people drive so slowly – they can’t spin the wheel all fast like young people – vigorous activity causes pain! So I’m sympathetic to old people driving very slowly now because I am one too.  Fortunately I still know where I am going and why I am in the car, so, you know, I’m kind of one up on these people.

Anyway, then I got to the doctors and sat on the most uncomfortable chairs in the world for a while. So that was fun.  Then woman doctor came and got me and I went into her office and we talked about what was bothering me for, about ten seconds, THEN we talked about Murdoch for a long time and about the course she is doing there part time and then somehow the conversation got round to her children and then that her children go to the same school my ma works at and the same school that I used to go to, so, you know, by the end of my doctors visit I felt very close to this woman, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do for my affliction!

Alls I know is that now I have a cane!  They probably shouldn’t have given me this cane because I’m not really using it properly – I’m more using it to close doors or swipe the remote control closer to me and also it’s very annoying when trying to carry things so I’m just sort of using it to say, get to the kitchen, then I drape it over my arm as I toddle back into the lounge room with my plate of sandwich to watch something moronic.  Also, I think I should have a bib or something, as I can’t lean forward over my plate.  I’m a total slob. Picture it: me, lying on the couch, tomato sauce and toothpaste stains (I can’t lean over the sink properly (I’ve solved this problem by brushing my teeth in the shower)) all down my shirt, trying to lay as still as possible and ignore the smell of dog-on-the-couch with my AWESOME BLUE CANE next to me.

 

What pisses me off is if the cane (that I use to get down to the floor to pick things up) falls onto the floor.  Then it’s a freaking process.  I wonder if Dr House has this problem???

I think I'm alergic to almonds.  Also I just watched I could never be your woman on youtube.  Neither one of those things has anything to do with the other. I also finished my Lynne Truss Treasury and enjoyed all of it.  I feel happy about being a cat lady.  I also finished Wintersmith by Terry Pratchet. However I didn't read the first two Tiffany novels but it was still an entertaining read.  Feegles are funny.  I am going to make jelly because I have become addicted to shouting "Jelleh!" at my cat and if I have nothing to show for it then the neighbours might grow suspicious.  Also I have come to realise that some people ruin jokes by saying too much - eg. This dude I don't know replying to my friend's facebook status ruined his joke by saying "Yeah, and here I was just thinking it was your smell of your farts." Now, he could have been funny had he left it at "Yeah, and here I was just thinking it was the smell..." but he ruined it by putting in too many "your"s and saying something obvious.  I think I'm going to go back to assessing comedy - this will mean putting up with me saying "that was funny" rather than laughing at something, rather than what I do now which is snort and wheeze a lot like I've forgotten how to laugh AND THEN exclaim "that was funny!"  
The funny thing about being sick is that you don't know what sort of sick you are.  I'm the sort of sick where I can move around and go shopping and socialise, but I have to stop every couple of minutes to cough and splutter and be gross. I call these moments "feral seconds" as in "could you hang on, I just need a feral second." or "I apologise for that feral second I just had..." 
I'm making it my goal to finish my revolting vest tonight. 
Today I saw a battery operated light globe.  It was pretty weird.  And only $3.99 which is a bargain...but how much are batteries?
I've been having a lot of dreams where I beat people up.  But people I know that I never knew I had such strong negative feelings for.  I guess that's better than having dreams about kicking old ladies in the kneecaps, but still, it's kind of disturbing.  I'm going to blame all the almonds I have eaten.

Dear angry mutantly big insect bugs,
Please stay the hell outside.  Don't come in here looking all mean and big and scary. That's not nice. Let's review:
Inside, mine. Outside, yours. Got it? Understood? Agreed?
When I am outside, feel free to spray your deadly poisonous fang darts (that you all have) in my general direction. But when you come inside, I will spray pea beu in your general direction. These are the rules that were agreed on AGES ago. I can't believe you have forgotten them!
Also, please remember the sub clause: in the event of camping.  Killing me around the campfire or on a nature hike - fine.  Killing me in my tent - not cool.
I hope one day we will live in harmony (if you would just get the hell out of my house).
Love, Amy.


Dear Cadbury,
I love you! I love you so much I want to marry you and start a cult.  How good are flakes? And when did you buy Fry's? And who decided to branch out into softdrinks? (That was a great idea by the way, because nothing goes better with chocolate than softdrink! - Why is it called "softdrink"? What's "harddrink"? Is that like ice or something?) I have so many questions Cadbury.  Such as, why does it take until you are 16 to realise that peppermint chocolate is awesome? Is that a right of passage or something? Also, freddo frogs; where did the clinker ones go? They're no longer in the party packs, were they limited time only? And how come those freddo tattoos never come off? What sort of glue do you use? And how come there's never any cherry ripes when you really want one?
I hope your empire continues to grow,
Lovingly yours, Amy.


Dear The Government,
Thanks for paying me for the last few months. I know we got off to a rough start what with you not wanting to pay me and all. But look how far we have come. I'm going to miss being a freeloader.
Thanks, Amy.


Dear Australian Dollar,
Quit being crap. Stop wussing out and plummeting every chance you get. Buck up!
Sincerely, Amy.


Dear Summer,
You do this every year. You make me think you are awesome as the deep throes of winter chill my bones and I long for endless warmth. Then you hit and I feel like strangling you.
Firstly, why do you bring the flies? They are a nuisance and you should really look into that.
Secondly, you are too hot. Also, what's with the rainy days this year? Make up your mind!
Thirdly, the beach.  It sounds like a good idea, but the reality is just terrible. You drive down, it's very hot. You get out. You have to run along the sand because it is too hot. You put on lots of sunscreen, go for a paddle where lots of salt and sand fill your bathing costume (mine is a very fashionable duck) then sit around on an increasingly uncomfortable beach towel while bits of sand fly in your face and stick to you, and insects hover around trying to eat your blood.  The sun beats down, you decide it's time to go home, you get into the horrendously hot car trailing all manner of sea life with you making the floor and seats look exactly like the beach, before driving uncomfortably away as the sand in your bathing costume grates against your body and you realise after catching a glimpse of yourself in a rearview mirror that you look like a lobster.
That's not fun.
Toasting marshmallows is fun. Fondue is fun. Winter is fun and cosy and cute and lovely.
Summer. You are a bitch. I'm hybernating until you are over.
Fuck you, Amy.

Women suck. Seriously. Women are assholes. Just complete bitches. Basically women are divided into two catagories: nice women and slutbags.  That's it.  These opening comments might be because I'm listening to Soko - I'll kill her. If you've never listened to it it's about a nice woman being fucked over by a slutbag who steals her partner.  I think a French accent really makes the whole anger and resentment angle of the song so much more palpable.

Honestly though, here are some rules I've always tried to stick to as a nice woman:
1. Don't be a slut.
2. Don't do slutty or suggestive things when out (especially if not single).
3. Don't lead people on.
4. Respect other people's relationships (this means not flirting with people who are taken, coming between two people through various means or trying to break people up).
5. Respect myself.

And that pretty much helps me not be despised by the whole of the human population.  It would be amazingly easy to forget these rules and become the other type of woman - a slutbag, but luckily I've been raised properly, through television, and watching TV characters fuck their lives up by not doing the above on many, many, many different shows really opened my eyes.

Now that I am older I have come to realise that it is not just on TV that these asshole characters exist.  THEY'RE REAL!!!
They have names like "Becky" and "Sandy" and "Whorebag" and they run around bars and parties hitting on people ALL THE TIME!  They have no respect for things like relationships or couples or items, they'd just like to fuck your boyfriend, thanks.

And they're so unsubtle and crass about it all. I blame porn. And society. And the loss of chastity belts. WHERE ARE THE CHASTITY BELTS?!?
Basically these women abuse the system and make it much harder for someone like me (who understands and respects that there are RULES) to ever find security in a relationship. Sure, the guy can help out by saying things, or doing things to make me feel content and happy so that I probably wouldn't even NOTICE the evil wench whoring herself out at the bar.  But that is effort and you have to like a girl a great deal to go to that effort. 

So, ultimately, nice girls will always finish last.  And slutbags are going to give everyone an STD. 
Unless we clap some chastity belts over their clappy vahinas...(that's spanish for vaginas...)
Who's with me?

I am a dickhead. I stayed up all night finishing stupid assignment that I tricked myself into thinking I had started by pretending that if I read the first reading of the book, I've BASICALLY done the whole assignment. What? What crazy talk is this? What ridonkulous person entered my head and said that? Worse thing, I could have had it done yesterday. Or last week. But I didn't because I am a champion at procrastinating.

MY THEORY OF PROCRASTINATION...
1. The bigger and horribler the thing you have to do, the more you will do crappy things to get out of doing the ACTUAL big horrible thing.
E.g. Instead of doing my assignment, I cleaned the house - something I had been putting off doing, but it just felt like the right time...
Why? Because if I had done something fun, like, watch a video, I would have felt more guilty. At least I was doing something that I didn't really enjoy.

2. The more annoying and tedious the thing you have to do, the more you will do bizarre and stupid shit to get out of it.
E.g. Today, instead of doing my assignment, I drove to spotlight and bought wool. I am now making a bizarre 70's vest from a pattern I found while cleaning the house.
Why? Because I have to counter the annoying and tedious with something. Annoying and tedious does not counter itself, so doing something like going for a walk is OUT. It must be something weird that you would put off otherwise for being too weird.

3. Anything that interrupts what you have to do suddenly becomes the most important thing in the world.
E.g. Yesterday, as I was sitting down reading that first stupid reading, I got a phone call from some lady asking if I could get my ma to call her back. Suddenly, that was my goal in life! Getting ma to ring some woman I'd never heard of. I rang ma 3 times, then tried her mobile, then tried her landline, then tried her mobile. Then waited a bit. THEN I WALKED TO THE SCHOOL TO GIVE HER THE MESSAGE.
Why? Because anything that potentially takes you away from having to think about the horrible thing you should be doing is a godsend and immediately becomes the greatest quest ever. Can't do that now, doing this.

4. The more you put off the thing you should have done, the more pain you get in later.
E.g. I just finished that assignment which basically means I've been stuck on a (not literally)chair for the last 12 hours straight, staring into a very bright screen, leaning at weird angles to see books laid about me on the floor. All this adds up to INSURANCE CLAIM ACT!!! Everything hurts. ESPECIALLY my shoulders. I feel like my arms are going to fall off.
Why? Karma.

Now I have to wait an hour until uni opens so I can drop this mother in, then I might stop by the lib-ra-ry and get more books and then, finally, I can GO TO SLEEPY BYE BYE's!!!

BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BOOYAKA...

In the spirit of Az and Jess's blogs:

Dear Angry Woolworths Checkout Chick,
I don't care how much you hate your job, don't go throwing my apples around. I heard you being nice to the man in front of me buying condoms and shaving foam, don't think I didn't. So why, in 2 seconds time, were you a complete cow to me? Also, you have to ask whether I want cash out. It is part of your job. It adds a second onto the length of our interaction, rather than the 20 seconds it took to sigh loudly and roll your eyes and redo the amount requested from the bank. You are a fuckhead and will get ghonnorea of the eyes.
Love Amy.

Dear Murdoch University,
Why are you just a little bit crap and beurocratic to the extreme? Is it so that people like me get frustrated and feel like a ridiculous mess? Here's an idea - don't give me a fine for returning my CRC books 2 days late! How about that? Does that work for you? Okay, sure, I can see how I cost you $20 by not returning them for 2 days (???) but could you make paying that $20 just a little bit simpler? Seriously, today I was all ready to pay your stupid fine, eat my pride and get on with things, but your beurocracy kind of got in the way of that.

Firstly, why can I not pay the fine in the CRC where I got told about the fine in the first place?
Secondly, why after walking all the way to the library and waiting for a librarian (the most near sighted of people) to see me, was I not able to pay in cash? Instead I have to swap my $50 for change somewhere, put the change onto my library card using one of your fucked up machines that DON'T FUCKING WORK UNLESS YOU STAND IN FRONT OF THEM FOR, LIKE, TEN YEARS AND THEN GET AN IT GUY TO COME OVER AND STAND WITH YOU FOR AWHILE, then take that card to the same desk I was at originally and get you to point your stupid scanner thing at it. Um. Why can't you just take the $50 I have in my hand, give me $30 and write a little note on the computer saying I have paid the fine??? Doesn't that sound like a simpler thing to do?

I'm sorry I didn't pay the fine today after I told the CRC woman who let me borrow some more books that I would, but seriously, I had the books I needed by the time I got to the library and going through your ridiculous system to pay a fine I really don't want to pay was actually more than I could stand. So maybe, if you want people to pay fines, you should just let them pay them with money rather than their library card.
Just a suggestion,
Love Amy.

Dear Allen's,
Your Jaffas are incredible. You should be awarded something. Seriously. They are awesome.
Your devoted fan,
Amy.

Dear facebook "friends",
Unless I know you and see you around a bit, I don't really want to come to your party. It would be uncomfortable and weird for me to attend when we don't even speak. Also, I worry about catching herpes from being inside the locations you choose to hold your events at. The Newport? The Clink? Paramount? The Dean? I'm sorry, no. Maybe when I was 18 and didn't know any better I may have gone, but now I know why the floor is sticky and why it smells disgusting and that displeases me. For my own health and safety I have to decline your event request.
Sorry,
Amy.

HI LIVEJOURNAL! You're well neglected. Poor thing. Here, come out from under your rock. There you go.

Last night was lots of fun. For example:
Not really knowing what to do when you go out is really fun! Also, girls night out = most fun ever! Experiencing new weird things is really fun. Bubble Tea and funny conversations = new favourite, especially at 2 in the morning.
Pudding is a funny word and when combined with three tired conversationalists it gets a bit crazy
Jess: "Pudding is mysterious"
Mich: "But where does it come from?"
Me: "...Jess's mouth..."
Which made perfect sense to me at the time, you know.

Also, just like Danny Wallace I have been saying "Yes" to things a lot more. It is interesting to put yourself outside your comfort zones and just do something that scares you. Like dancing with crazy welsh men.

Jess and I had a nice lovely conversation last night and boy! That girl can make you feel really good about yourself. I'm feeling really happy at the moment and excited about everything new and scary that's happening right now.

Just Fuck.

I'm sorry I don't know how to use this properly but I don't.

Today i watched out the window as some police people questioned a man in the parking lot. I thought up all the things that man could have done such as stealing from the elderly, kicking a dog or eating gravel (that last one I don't think is against the law but it damn well should be, I don't want people eating up my roads that I paid for with my taxes...) Anyway, the gravel-muncher couldn't have been in that much trouble after all as the police gave him a handshake and let him go away (off to eat some more bitumen probably, what a prick!) And then I finished my bonds. 300 people can now bugger off and whinge to someone else. Anyway, I didn't have any lunch today either because I had to get up real early for this breakfast department meeting which is so tedious and consists of enemy-boss taking up meeting time blaming accounts-lady for everything (mind you, accounts-lady is kinda a bitchola from bitch-land) and pursing her lips together. They feed us though so that's something good hence the reason I wasn't hungry at lunchtime. I had a hot chocolate with my eggs but it wasn't so great. So at lunchtime I went next door and bought a coke. Then I read some of my book. It is the fourth John Fowles text I have been wanting to read - his collection of short stories. I'm sorta on a Fowles-binge at the moment. I like reading his writing as it is kind to the eyes.

After work tomorrow I am going to go to the shops. Then I am going to go and have dinner with KITA what lives in Fremantle which is convenient because I suspect that is where we shall dine. I hope it doesn't rain too much tomorrow night. I'm liking the rain days though. They can continue God. They must continue (but not like Noah's time, 40 days is too long God, too long) because everywhere is drying up. I worry that there will be no water left when I am old and my lips are parched. I need water, it's what I am made of, as well as some other bits of stuff, so when I am old I will need it twice as bad because everyone knows when you get old you turn to jelly-mush and then disintegrate when you don't stay MOIST. ew.

Invitation sending is going well with a 100% positive response apart from K but he doesn't count because he is a willowy-fart. I am now looking foward to Friday. I am also looking foward to Saturday night when the comedy is on. That's all.

My poor little baby has a heart murmur. Cats don't have health insurance. God's being a bit of a bitch right now...

If only Dr. Doug Ross specialised in cats rather than children...